Once there was a bartender who claimed he was the strongest man on earth, he could squeeze every drop of juice out of a lemon and he bet $10,000 that no one could squeeze anymore out of a lemon he has squeezed

People came in from all over the country, body builders, weight lifters, wrestlers, or anyone that wanted to try. But no one could squeeze anymore juice out of the lemons.

Then one day a little nerdy looking guy walks in and everyone laughs at him when they hear he is there to try to squeeze a lemon. So the bartender squeezes a lemon into a cup an hands him what is left over. Then the guy squeezes out 6 more drops of juice, and everyone is amazed! “What do you do for a living?” they would ask, “Are you a weight lifter, a body builder?”

“No”, he replied. “I work for the IRS.”

A couple in their nineties were asked how their marriage lasted for 75+ years.
The wife explained that on their wedding day after the marriage they left the church and headed home in their horse-drawn carriage.
Before they even left the church the horse stumbled. My husband got out of the carriage and severely hit the horse and said “no horse of mine stumbles”.
Half way home the horse stumbled and my husband got out again and hit the horse and said “no horse of mine stumbles, that’s twice”.
As we pulled into our laneway the horse stumbled again. My husband grabbed a gun and went to the horse and said “no horse of mine stumbles. This is the third time.” And he shot it.
I got out of the carriage and said “you shot a perfectly good horse!”
He said “no wife argues with me. That’s once.”

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shitfaced. After about three hours of guzzling liquor, George threw up all over his shirt.

“Shit!” he said. “The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!”

Bill, George’s best pal, gave George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife. “All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door,” Bill said. “Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned.”

When George got home, his wife was waiting for him in the living room. “I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!” she said.

George replied, “Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned.” His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

“Is that so?” she said. “Then where did the other $20 bill come from?”

“Oh, that’s from the guy who crapped in my pants,” George said.

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Mozart’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”

He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.”

So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Mozart decomposing.”

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye.”

“Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asked.

“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays, she points out that the happy child is theirs. Isn’t it wonderful?,” one says to the other. “All these unhappy babies…and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another.” The nurse says, “Oh sure, he’s happy now, but just watch what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his ass.”

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, “Oh God! Save me!”

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can’t lie the man replies, “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”

The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, “Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive…”